Vegas, baby, Vegas

September 16, 2011

Vegas can be summed up quite easily: fatties, sluts, slots, shopping. Or, if you’d like an analogy, and stick with me here, Vegas is kind of like a hot chick you pick up in a club and take to McDonald’s/kebab shop for a last chance booze soak and double check of the goods. It’s here, in the light, you realise she looks a bit like your mum but you go home with her anyway because no one saw you leave together.

A definite Vegas highlight was on our first night when we saw a scrag fight in the Bellagio. Two chicks, maybe about 22, were making a huge scene, swinging around their plastic shopping bags, yelling each other; ‘you’re Bipolar’….’noooo you’re Bipolar’ (how about you’re both dumbasses?) One went in for a face slap and the other retaliated with some hair pulling, all the while still holding onto their shopping bags. Classy. Everyone was just watching, and I think I can speak for all involved when I say we all felt a little short changed when security pulled them apart. Speaking of other Vegas free shows, I didn’t realise how into water fountains I was until I made Luke watch the Bellagio water show three times. Wow, water choreographed to music really is something else. I might do something with a sprinkler and an ipod for our wedding. Oh, ok I can’t forget to mention the other free show highlight, the Sirens Pirate Show which I have renamed Booty Boat. It was hilarious – slutty chicks on a boat ‘capture’ a stray seaman (hee). His pirate ship mates come to ‘save him’ but the girls ‘heave ho’ and defeat the sailors by luring them into their ‘treasure cove(s)’, killing them with their really bad dancing, lip syncing and cheap visual effects. I mean, it was no water fountain show, but it was pure comedy.

During our time in Vegas, we thought it would be great to see a Rat Pack tribute show. The whole thing was a bit backyard, but the Frank Sinatra guy was amazing, it could have been ole’ blue eyes himself, well, maybe if you shut your eyes. The thing which saved the show was the Joey Bishop impersonator, he just ripped into a guy from the audience who was from Canada and kept going all evening. Another must do in Vegas we figured was to have an all you can eat buffet. All you can eat was what we did, so much so, that was our only meal for the day. On the subject of gorging, at breakfast one day, we were sitting next to a table of large women. One in particular was gigantic. They were making plans to go across the road to the Venetian, when Gigantor said ‘hey y’all, I don’t know if I can walk that far’. Of course you can’t, you just ate a 4 stack of waffles bigger than your face.

The thing about Vegas is you can only do about three things; gamble, shop and eat. Gambling wise, Luke lost $60 in five minutes at the Blackjack table. Realising The Ring Budget was being handed to a scary looking Chinese woman (not me) at a machine gun pace, I had to use Specialised Diversion Techniques® and told him the Booty Boat Bitches were doing part two of the show. So, seeing as though that was 1 out of the 3 things to do in Vegas, and we weren’t hungry, the only other thing we could do was go shopping. Luke is still complaining about the amount of shopping we did, which in reality was a total of 8 minutes. I’ve had to explain numerous times that walking past shops does not count, especially when it’s the only way to get to your hotel. Plus, it also doesn’t count when it comes under category of tourist activities.

What can I say, Vegas was educational. And by the way, we didn’t elope. Elvis was too busy marrying fifty year old divorcees.