If the thought of leather, gimps and public humiliation is not your thing, abort now.

If you’ve secretly always wanted to know how to go about public sexual humiliation or how to dress like a S&M horse and whinny while pulling some ugly dude around by your mouth, by golly, can I shed some light for you.

Throughout our trip around the US, we’ve unfortunately been a couple of days too early or a week too late for some awesome festivals. I don’t know what fate is trying to tell us, but luckily, we were bang on time for the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. Now, we’ve seen a lot of weird shit in our time. I actively seek weird shit out, hell, that’s what I call a good workday, but it’s one thing watching Fat Feeders and another seeing a megatron fattie doing sexy laughing while being spanked til her dimpled ass is red raw. I can’t even begin to describe the crazy shit we saw and you know what, the pictures don’t even do it justice. Everywhere you looked, there’d be some guy trying to not pass out during a public rope fetish demo, a man with GIGANTIC BALLS (Dr Joe, please send an email to explain) or women dressed as S&M warlocks leading War of Warcraft junkies by chains attached to their dicks. It was seriously awesome and this, pretty much sums it up.

Yosemite National Park

Click to enlarge this amazing panoramic

I never knew I was scared of bears until I got to Yosemite. The thing is, they scare you with information. When we checked into our camp, we had to sign a bear information sheet saying we had read and were aware of all the dangers. There were bear warning signs outside, on the road, in the shower blocks, signs in our tent. We had to keep everything in a bear box outside our tent and were told under strict instruction not to bring any food or anything with a scent into our tent (even sun cream and toothpaste). So what does Luke do? Goes to bring the food bag into our tent as soon as we arrived. The boy clearly showed in our three day stay in Yosemite that he is NOT bear aware. Luckily, I’m very good at rules and we were spared from becoming snack food. If Luke had been in charge of bear awareness we would have:

– eaten chocolate INSIDE the tent
– had bags that had food INSIDE them in our tent
– sprayed all sorts of scented shit INSIDE the tent

Luke should never be allowed to be in the wilderness by himself. Come to think of it, neither should I unless it’s to boss people around and make sure they are sticking to the rules.

On our first day, we decided to hike a trail. You’d think with three maps and signposts, we’d be able to work out which way to go. Oh no, we managed to walk the last quarter of one trail that ended in a car park and then another half of another, after going completely the wrong direction for about half an hour. But then again, getting lost, fending off bears and freezing your ass off in a cold tent doesn’t matter so much when you’re in the most beautiful place on earth.